Ho Ho No

by John Jordan

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1.
Ho Ho No 02:43
Christmas shopping ho ho no To the stores our moneys go All so family and friends Will get to unwrap stuff again Who profits from this tradition That fills me with so much suspicion I think it’s just corporations Manipulating expectations Want to give the very best presents? Give your heart your time your presence Make something with your own hands So everybody understands The ones who you say “They are mine” Are ones to whom you give your time Write a book or sing a song Bake a cake you can’t go wrong Make your way through snowy streets You don’t need to save receipts Drop in with a casserole You won’t get a lump of coal Sit on the floor and play a game Lit by a fireplace’s flame What matters most is togetherness With who you love it’s effortless Take a break from shopping sprees Grab your showshoes and your skis Grab your pals and hit the trails Never mind those clearance sales Time together what we need In our words and in our deeds Time for us to change our ways In how we spend, these holidays
2.
Watching Pornhub in the Metro I’ll tell you from the get-go Will eat up all your data Even if it’s Pornhub Beta Watching Pornhub on the subway I know it sounds perverted It may just seem like bum play Try it and be converted Next time you sit Next to an empty seat And somebody approaches Some idiot complete When they sit beside you Take a break from tweets Load up the Hub Say “Look here, bub, Care to beat your meat?” Some may call it ru de And far to knobby knobby Embarrassing the prudes Is my top rated hobby I text her hey send nudes From the bedroom and the lobby On behalf of every dude Please send vagine and bobbies I am not endorsing This fun for everyone For say in Wyoming People have shotguns Not everyone likes moaning Or someone’s naked sons I guess it’s all just zoning For just what can be done See in this tube I’m watching boobs And having lots of fun From Snowdon to Villa Maria Can you believe it’s free ah? From Vendome to St. Henri Among the citizenry At Lionel Groulx I cross the tracks And there’s no turning back I watch the farmer’s daughter Waiting for the train to Atwater Guy Concordia to Peel Did he just cop a feel? From Mcgill to Place des Arts I found pornographic farts St-Laurent to Berri Oh they all think I’m scary But I’m just so curious Can’t wait to get on the bus Watching Pornhub on the subway I know it sounds perverted It may just seem like child’s play Try it and be converted Watching Pornhub in the Metro I’ll tell you from the get-go Will eat up all your data Even if it’s Pornhub Beta
3.
First Snow 04:02
First snow! See how it shines and glows! First snow! Soon I'll be blowing my nose! In the still of night it came tumbling down There’s a blanket covering the town The statue in the park has a white crown Some will smile and some will frown Some will just go with the flow Some will not enjoy the show Some will love the wintry glow It’s come for us the first real snow Streets so quiet in the dawning No one on the street this morning Staying home looking out windows Keeping warm their very skin whose Goosebumps rise at sight of white Manifesting overnight Where did I put those winter boots Our hats our scarves and our snow suits Inevitable precipitation A trademark of our very nation Heralds sledding and toboggans Dusting white our chilly noggins It’s come and here to stay a while No other choice but to smile For to frown is to choose being low We’ll still have the same amount of snow Make a snowball have a fight Make the most of the dwindling light Spread your limbs and make an angel Drive safely as there is some danger Catch a snowflake on your tongue Unique each and every one Eat it with some maple taffy In this hivernal geography It’s coming is inevitable Gather yourself all up in wool Sweep the stairs when they are full Herald of the coming Yule Down and down and down it falls Insulating one and all No matter if you’re short or tall Play in the snow and have a ball Some think that the snow is great Me I choose to hibernate Yes it is a miraculous thing But thanks I’ll see you in the spring
4.
Good Morning 04:02
Good morning Good morning It’s not yet dawn My love for you Goes on and on Good morning Good morning Today is the day My love takes all of your heartache away The sun always rising In the eastern sky It’s not surprising That you get me high Until that sun sets Low in the west You know you can bet I will pass your test The day now is ours To do what we will Spending the hours Getting our fill Giving and taking To each back and forth My reason for waking My star in the north Good morning Good morning Oh what a day I pay no mind To what skeptics say Good morning Good morning You are my queen The loveliest thing I have ever seen At night in the moon The sun is reflected As I sing this tune I pray you inspect it And sing it with me So when my voice cracks Your sweet harmony Will fill what I lack The stars are all suns Some now long gone But every one Was a bringer of dawn Just as you are To me and my heart You are my star A true work of art Good morning Good morning Wake up and smile Together we go Another mile Good morning Good morning We had a good rest We did all the reading And passed all the tests Nothing can stop us We are champions Nothing can top us Our great ambience We go together Like eagles and hawks Birds of a feather Together we walk Two peas in a pod Two coins in the fountain We may be odd But we climb every mountain Let nobody take you Away from me I’ll never forsake you As long as I be Good morning Good morning Another day dawns We are the knights On a playground of pawns Good morning Good morning Oh say can you see The best place for you Is right here with me Good morning Good morning It’s not yet dawn My love for you Goes on and on Good morning Good morning Today is the day My love takes all of your heartache away
5.
Infinity When I die And my atoms are free The universe I hope they see Flying from Earth Out into the cosmic Visiting nebulas And galaxies chaotic Racing the asteroids through space Leaving behind The human race Travelling light years Away from the Earth Until it is time For my Rebirth To Infinity and Beyond That’s what the plastic spaceman said To Infinity and Beyond The One True God of Marvel’s dead Wave a magic wand And soar through the galactic sea To Infinity and Beyond Outer space is the place for me I won’t need a rocket Or a pressurized suit With the cosmos in my pocket Universally en route Zipping at light speed I’m neutrino Free from need A bouncing atomic bambino Chilling with antimatter Because we go way back When my matter finally scatters I’ll dwell in the pitch black To Infinity And Beyond Beyond the satellites To Infinity and Beyond If it’s wrong I don’t wanna be right I’m saying it with this song So please turn out the lights Let’s pretend It is the end And now eternal night To see the Sirens of Titan And be so enlightened To see Andromeda spinning That’s what I call winning To fly into the Sun It’s fun for everyone To circle ‘round Uranus And know no more what pain is To explore the Milky Way That would make my day To fall into a black hole I think I’m on a roll To race the meteors Nothing could be dreamier To reach the End of Space and Time The journey will be fine To Infinity and Beyond Is much more than just Heaven To Infinity and Beyond The idea gets me revvin’ To shake these Earthly bonds Got me turned up to eleven My final rest Will be so blessed And luckier than seven. The Ultimate Osmosis To know what the Cosmos is.
6.
This Shithead This King of The Sheeple Is so full of shit Enema of the People This big turd This festering creep’ll Crap all over you Enema of the People What great ass shat you Out into the world Come out of your cupboards You boys and girls Give praise to the stain The dirties our flag He don’t like the rain It makes his hair sag Wipe all you want it We’ll never get clean We’ll always be haunted By this poop machine Spews from his hole Like there’s no tomorrow This shit has no soul Just Twitter followers His ass he wipes With the Stars and Stripes This stinking bum A shit conundrum The Commander in Shit Is overdue for a hit If only maybe We could count on the First Lady This festering pile Who’s been here a while Is completely indecently Destroying us recently It’s his time to go And this much I know Puppet of the Russian Won’t someone be flushin’?
7.
Area-Ola 03:07
Area-ola 438 or 514? You want it great You want some more 514 or 450 Off to war? We ain’t gonna go 450 or 418? Don’t know We never late 418 or 506? Let me state We’re full of tricks 506 or 902? Doggy sics And so do you 902 or 709? What we do We do in real time 709 or 604? You gotta line Up at the door 604 or 403? You got someplace Better to be? 403 or 306? Can’t you see This rhyme it sticks? 306 or 204? Oil slicks In the north 204 or 416? Are you sore From making hits? 416 or 514? Come on, there is no question.
8.
5711B 04:08
5711B 5711B That’s the place I wanna be 5711 Sherbrooke Street Come on over use your feet 5711B Do drop in and visit me 5711 Sherbrooke West Please call first that is the best 5711B That’s the number for my cat Humbert 5711 down the way Come on by and make my day 5711B We will be with you shortly 5711 is the best Every day it’s put to the test There’s no doorbell just knock it Tonight we’re gonna rock it Keep your shoes on it’s ok It’s a mess but I like it that way Wait for Humbert to say hello Sit right down and away we go Conversation, hallucination, Affectionate love proclamations A coffee, a smoke, and a little snack Here we go no turning back Got the tunes and got the flicks Too bad we ain’t got no chicks In 5711B Got the drink, got the food Got all we need for a good mood In 5711B In summertime we sit outside It looks real cool that’s cause we tried To brighten up our little alley By putting up the Alley Cat Gallery We got cats, we got kittens too It’s the truth man I ain’t shittin’ you People come from miles around To see the cats and hear the sound Osmosis Unlimited, Bipolarizers None the richer, none the wiser The rumours are true we like to smoke Our competitors are deader than Emperor Snoke I done ten years and I’ll do ten more Rent and location it’s a super score Never thought I’d be so lucky To live in such majestic poverty Right in the middle of NDG You know it’s all good in the Deeg with me Our gallery sign has a lady’s kness My neighbours are like family Been in the hood since I was wee And you can’t beat NDG for trees We can take a walk to Girouard Park Or go to the Hive and make some Art The always something going on From dawn til dusk and dusk til dawn I miss Dad’s Bagels but it’s good enough Now we’ve got Notre Dame de Boeuf Get my prints at Harvard Stationery Juhee hems my pants for free Feed her something every day She thinks I’m weird but it’s just my way No I’ll never leave five seven one one There’s just so much work that’s fun From Claremont to West Broadway it’s the best place Maybe next to outer space
9.
Community Service You done the crime now you won the time Thanks to going one step over the line Thats all it takes so that it makes You give your time on your own dime Out of your life will come the hours It really is out of your powers You must grow up you must show up And navigate the towering towers Service to your fellow man Give back any way you can We will best you, we will test you Rehabilitation is the plan You must be clever No matter the weather You must represent, you must be present Everybody come together Everybody come together Community service today For my mistake I will pay Community service I say So many hours every day Community service my friend Until I make it to the end Community service job Dropping service like a bomb All it took was one mistake That one time your judgements break Never undone, this fate you’ve won Now so early you must wake To do your designated assignment You cannot put it on consignment You must commit, stand or sit This is mandatory confinement Must help your brothers and sisters Listen up I’m telling you misters Break the law, be an outlaw Pay until your hands got blisters Time recorded by the court It may be long it may be short Depending on just what you’ve done It may be your last resort Community service here I go I’ve got to pay my dues I know Community service make it fun What’s one cannot be fast undone Community service yes yeah yes This is my citizenship test Community service what a scene I’m a part of the machine Let me help you It’s what I owe The righteous judge Told me so My time is yours My minutes, my hours I will do all That’s in my power To be repentant and contrite All the day and all the night Pay back karma for my sins It’s justice so everybody wins I regret the things I’ve done This assignment I have won From all the things that I do lack Now I’m getting back on track Pay it forward Pay it back I give my time And cut no slack Put in the hours Put to the test I have the power To be my best Community service how does it feel To be doing something real To put the scales back into balance Together we have great valence Community service rah rah rah Never forget the ones I saw Working hard to right their wrongs For us I sing this little song
10.
Judge Not 03:50
(Intro) B F# C# F# (Verse) F# B Don't you look at me so smug, And say I'm going bad. F# C# Who are you to judge me, And the life that I live? F# B I know that I'm not perfect, And that I don't claim to be. F# C# F# So before you point your fingers, Be sure your hands are clean. (Chorus) B F# Judge not, Before you judge yourself. B C# Judge not, If you're not ready for judgement. Woah oh oh! F# B The road of life is rocking, And you may stumble too. F# C# F# So while you talk about me, someone else is judging you. (Verse) (Saxophone solo) B F# Judge not, Before you judge yourself. B C# Judge not, If you're not ready for judgement. Woah oh oh! F# B The road of life is rocking, And you may stumble too. F# So while you talk about me, C# F# Someone else is judging you, C# F# Someone else is judging you, C# F# Someone else is judging you, C# F# Someone else is judging you, C# F# Someone else is judging you.
11.
Don’t Be Stupid Don’t be stupid Be a smarty Tonight we’re gonna Party party Don’t be dense Use your intelligence Party until Nothing makes sense Don’t be greedy Be generous Our party Is just for us Don’t be frightened Grow a spine Party party You’re all mine We’re gonna get down Right down to business The ones who ain’t here Will be missing us Rock it shock it Champion Walk it talk it Like Eric Clapton Funk it slap it Drop the beat Dubstep and trap it Out in the street No tomorrow No yesterday This ain’t no talk show It’s foreplay Stopping the world Because it needs a break Hop in girl Let’s groove away Come on over To the stage Red Rover, Red Rover, Don’t act your age Get on the mic And spit a verse Never better Could be worse Pick your number Stay in the light When you rumble You’re outtasight Try and stop us Try real hard You cannot drop us It’s our backyard We got bouncers And security Pounds and ounces Under the Christmas tree Believe in Santa Believe I will That fat elf May be over the hill But you got to hand it To Kris Kringle, hellz It a catchy tune Them Jingle Bells Ho Ho Ho And Ha Ha Ha Breaking the rules And breaking the law Contraband Outsider art You know we planned It from the start Tonight we slide Into home plate Don’t miss your ride Don’t show up late I’m here waiting With my Jingle bells on Anticipating when We turn ourselves on

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Produced by John Jordan at Osmosis HQ November 2018

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released November 15, 2018

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Osmosis Unlimited Montreal, Québec

Saxophonist singer John Jordan and a collection of Montreal's finest musicians produce original music in ska, reggae, rock, soul, and a host of other genres.

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